So, this week I realized that I was feeling some intense emotions about several relationships in my life and decided to explore what my internal was telling me. For weeks, I had sensed something but didn't have clarity. In general, I want to act only when I have clarity.
For me, intense emotions means clarity is a coming...and it's time for me to be still and listen...
HERE'S THE TEA...
I have a strong desire for connection with others, even though I am different. This desire has me doing the most in terms of friendships and collaborations - and was the fundamental reason for past, failed romances.
In each circumstance, I would showcase me - brilliant, sometimes blinding me...and if they didn't run away, I assumed they were my peeps, my tribe.
After this lack of retreat, I kept being me while unknowingly expecting that same acceptance they initially displayed whenever I engaged with them in the future.
So when that human moment happened when differences collide, I internalized the "loss" expecting that this now meant the same as if they had retreated when they first met me.
I know...seems childish, but this is real - my raw truth.
Vulnerability is acknowledging and then accepting your truth in the face of the unknown.
In those moments, I am afraid. I don't want to be alone - the weirdo with no friends. I don't want to be inauthentic to have friends either.
I want connection with others who love me for me, work with me because I am me, and choose me because I am me.
My feelings signaled that my mind-body-soul connection was shouting NOPE to this quest.
See - hoping for connection with others is being tied to an outcome.
I tell my clients to commit to self, not outcomes - and here I was, being committed to an outcome.
Damn, damn, damn...
In fact, my commitment to this outcome (having connection) was so deep and long-lived that I cannot remember a time I wasn't thirsting for it. Furthermore, my focus on this outcome was the very reason I struggled with relationships.
So, I'm putting my authentic self out there, seeking - expecting - a specific response (outcome). Whether I assume I'll be rejected or accepted - whether this is the first time someone has met me or not - I CAN choose to be me and see where it goes.
This is why being committed to self is healthier than being committed to outcomes. The ups and downs of relationships among humans are inevitable. Yet, we do ourselves a disservice when we hope for anything specific to come from our engagements with others (or anything in life - but that's a whole other conversation).
It will be what it will be, if you are who you are.
There's no way to guess it, understand it, predict it...it just is. They will fuck with you today and not tomorrow...it may not make sense to you...it may seem like a loss when it really is a win.
What matters most is: Do YOU fuck with you today...tomorrow...no matter what? Pinky swear?
Welcome to Outcomes Smoutcomes Land! The land where you show up authentically, and remain curious to see what comes of it. Will you join me there? I have no idea what to expect - and that is joyfully lovely for a change...
Ebony L. Green is a certified coach who is the creator and founder of the Desire Choose Act™ signature series of coaching & training programs that help you own, celebrate, and monetize your difference.
#CoachEbonySays: I specialize in connecting people with their Whole A.S.S.™ Authentic Self. I want you to stop being ashy out here in your life - personally and professionally. I am here so you can REALLY start securing the bag of self-love, self-care, and self-shine!
If you are ready to start stepping into the shoes of your desired Future Self, schedule your free consultation today!
I love and am quite obsessed with the cycle of learning, applying, and teaching. This blog is my place to exercise this passion while fulfilling my purpose to activate knowing and choice.